HasbiAllah

There have been two days where I felt the need to leave soon. I do not know why I came here I tell my debrief roommate. She keeps me sane. Those two days I realize I cannot handle so much pain. I could not handle so much blood for more than one day. I cannot handle their depression and ptsd of certain people without triggering on my own. I feel the need to leave tomorrow and escape. Then I feel the need to stay longer, to help them longer. It is only once every few weeks where I go through a short handful of minutes feeling this way.

I remember panicing on the airport. I remember I texted Faraz from Toronto who was one of main reasons I was here. I told him panic has started. He has prepped me for Haiti and what might happen the night before. I was breathing heavy that night. I started to feel internally uneasy the night before at the airport when I realized what I was really doing. I remember texting him that I’m panicing. His response was, it was one statement. HasbiAllah

I am in God’s hands. HasbiAllah. God has changed me, in ways I haven’t been able to imagine. Each day I experience enough to make my normal self panic or have an intense stream of a million uncomforting thoughts. But with each thing I am calm and digest it. I am not able to explain what God has done. Usually we see the changes in retrospect but everyday there has been retrospect here, I see myself change in different ways. I am so grateful, I left myself completely to God when I got off that plane. I had no idea what would happen. I had no idea. I still have no idea what’s to happen tomorrow and how much more I will change. Coming to Haiti I have become Haitan in the sense of reliance. I have been reminded God is my everything. HasbiAllah.